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This time, I will be telling you about the problems I'm having in my life, and about this dark feeling that I keep on having. So here it goes:
Ever since I was in Year 5 I keep getting this feeling that people hates me, I want it to stop, but it keeps coming back, it's like an evil spirit that's tempting me to believe that I'm all alone, and have no one in my life. My Mum told me that I think too much, maybe she's right, or maybe not.
When I was in Primary school, I was like the loser in my class; I'm not cool like everybody else, I don't even try to be cool. People teased me and joked me around for fun; but they don't know how much sadness I felt; they don't know that I cry every night - even my parents doesn't know.
Whenever I have a total meltdown, I complain to myself of why I'm even alive. Mostly, I mutter to myself "I want to die, I want to die, and I want to die." Don't worry, I didn't do anything suicidal, but I kept on wishing that I was dead. I was tired of crying every day; I’m tired of getting insulted and being that one type of person who's always the loser.
In Year 6, it's even worse. I try to hang out with people, but they seem to ignore me; it's like I'm a ghost to everyone. I started to hang out with people younger than me, for example the Year 4s and Year 3s. My year group asked me why I hang out with them, but I couldn't find the perfect answer to give them.
I help the young children in the infants’ playground; like, helping them walk to First Aid whenever they're hurt. I try to calm them down whenever they’re crying.
Since I was elected to be one of the Peer Mediators, I've solved many problems, and helped the people that needed help the most. I gave them advice; I have meetings with the Heads of the Peer Mediators, and tell them the problems and dilemmas that has been happening in the school playgrounds. I care about people, especially the ones that have been bullying me. I couldn't resist to have the urge to hate someone, it's like all I have inside me is caring and love for all the people that I know.
When I started secondary school, I feel like a new person. I felt like I could refresh myself, pushed away the woeful past of my Primary school career and be myself. But I was wrong. Nowadays, people started removing me from WhatsApp group chats which hurt my feelings. It showed me that they don't want me; I feel unwanted now. I told my parents once, they said not to worry and they'll figure something out.
I want to tell someone, I really do, but something is pushing me backwards into the darkness.
I have a best friend in my secondary school; I feel distant from her, now. I had a music assessment once, and Uni (not my friend's real name) was my partner. We're supposed to make up a song so we could perform it in front of everyone in my class. Since I have stage frights, my fingers trembled when I started to do my solo. Somehow I forgotten all the chords that I have to play for my solo part. Uni got frustrated. Ever since that day, I felt like she's starting to avoid me. The reason why that happened to me, is because I get panic attacks whenever I do a test. No one knows about this, and even my parents.
When I was young, I suppose to be a fun, energetic, loving, playful girl. Now, I'm a shy, miserable, shadowy, loser-type of girl.
I'm feeling scared, now.
I feel like I'm the only person in the world that has these types of feelings and problems.
What should I do?