This is really hard to write. I've wanted to do this for a while now, but there's not been enough reason. I've always been able to find some excuse to stay around. Now.... I can't find that excuse anymore. As depressing as that is, it means I must take my leave of the site. It's a really deeply thought out decision that I have made. I ask only for you to please understand and to realize that in the past three years, I have been through a lot. Let me review.
In 2012, I joined Monster Hunter Fanon (w:c:mhfanon) and later that year became its administrator. During that year, however, I made many mistakes and alienated many people. I do believe it set the scene for the rest of my Wikia experience, and that scene was one of contempt. I hated the users that hated me because I abused them and their kindness and they weren't OK for that. For that I apologize. I cannot apologize enough for the ill I have done users of Zeldapedia, Monster Hunter Wikia, or Community Central. Please don't hate me anymore. I'm going away.
In 2013, the worst year of my life, I needed Wikia more than anything. It was my escape from reality; it was my plaster for the pain. More than anything, it was the way I coped with being abandoned by my family, being accused, and all my severe depression. To this day, I believe I owe my life and sanity to Wikia, and a few distinct users. I'll give them their mentions below. Not yet.
In 2014, the year everything began to turn up, I began to realize that perhaps Wikia wasn't the place for me. I began to connect less and less with users on Chat and on the wikias in general. I moved into a new house, spent a lot more time working on that, and really, I didn't have time to be here much. That's when I disconnected the most. I lost sight with where Wikia was going. I lost most of the connections I had to the Wikia of 2012 that year. That's when the users from 2010, 2011, and 2012 began to start leaving.
It wasn't until this year that all, if not most, of them had left Wikia. There's a few remaining users, but most of them are gone. The ones who taught me the most and showed me the ropes have all up and grown up. They're in college now, or they have a job, or they quit Wikia. They aren't here. That's what depresses me about staying around.
I feel as though Wikia has nothing left to teach me and to show me. Wikia has nothing good left to offer me, and I'm not sure I want to sacrifice any more of my time solely to it to feel that slight sense of accomplishment from seeing my edit count or helping users. I just... I don't feel like anything on the site connects with me as well as it did three years ago.
I'm sorry I haven't been very helpful recently. I've become cynical, bitter, and introverted. I've become the kind of person I always professed to hate. No one likes people like me, and they have good reason for that. Keep your pity. I have no use for it. Just try to understand that I'm going to try to be a better person, and I know that I'm a terrible person.
Finally, I'd like to thank some users.
- Nachtide. She left a couple of days ago. She was the user who helped me most throughout 2013, becoming my best friend and my rock to lean on. She helped me in more ways than I can thank her for, and for that I hold her forever in my respect.
- TK-999. I don't know where this guy is floating anymore. We haven't been friends in years... Let's say we had a falling out, eh? But whatever the case may be, you helped me get used to myself and become the person I am today, for better or for worse. Thank you.
- Thisismyrofl. For years, you have been there to present a logical argument and to convince me that what I think is good may not actually be good. I've made many a better choice thanks to your judgement, ever better than mine. Thank you so much for being there for me.
- Moonlight Daydream. This year and part of last, I got to know you. Then I lost you. You were beautiful. I was happy to fall. Thank you for the memories.
- LyricGirl. You aren't on Wikia. You left Wikia long ago. You cut the ties, you're floating freely, high and low and inbetween. I still love talking to you and you're still my best friend in my heart. Writing this makes me cry as I realize how close we were and how far friends can drift. Thank you for making me realize the value and meaning of a true friend.
- Murder Scene. You changed names so many times you probably don't even remember this one. I do. I posted a link to my facebook account on chat as soon as I got it; you added me freely. That was three years ago. Now I'm in love with you and I think about you constantly. Thank you for being my first online-to-real friend. Mighty kind of you.
And finally, to anyone and everyone I've ever helped or been helped by, you mean the world to me and I hope to encounter you again.
In five years, I want to be either trucking around the country, mostly by myself, with nothing but music and the ever-changing highway to accompany me, or I want to be in an M1A2 Abrams, driving, gunning, commanding, hell, even loading would be nice... or finally, I want to settle down, have a family, be the person I always wanted my father to be. Will any of that happen? Maybe. I guess we'll see.
I'll try to update you guys periodically. I'm not leaving Wikia entirely, but my activity will be greatly reduced everywhere but Neil Halstead wikia. I hope you come by and drop me a line someday. It would be an honor to have you. w:c:neilhalstead.
I bid you all a very fond farewell.